To Tell or Not to Tell

This question keeps coming up in conversations with women who know what it is I specialize in: Is it ever OK to be honest and tell a man he has a small penis?

The answer depends on the man and the situation. In most cases, I always err on the side of honesty. Most men who have a small penis have already realized this fact. Those who a little shy about this fact may even ask up front if you think it's too small. "Too small" is of course calls for a subjective answer. You might think his penis is small, but not too small.

If this encounter is purely casual in nature and you aren't likely to ever sleep with this man again, I wouldn't stop you from just ignoring his short comings and just open your mind and body and enjoy the sex. But I think it is good and healthy in the long run for him to know exactly where he stacks up. Believe it or not, some men who possess very small erect penises have no idea they are small. The problem stems from the fact that when flaccid, their penis is a normal 3-4 inches. But when erect, they don't grow much at all. Most men, unless they are regular porn viewers, are only exposed to the flaccid penises of other men. If they "measure up" in this respect, they think they are normal. Remember that honesty should always come with compassion. Yes, their penis is small, but perhaps that doesn't matter to you, or maybe they are really good with other aspects of lovemaking.

If someone special to you possesses a small penis, it is always best to discuss this fact openly with other aspects of your love life. If you are in love, you should be able to discuss anything with your lover -- especially sex. And if you are both thinking the same thoughts about his penis anyway, it's best to just get it out in the open and deal with it.

Comparisons

It seems men are always curious about how they measure up. This is why they are more preoccupied with size than most females. But one dark side of life and relationships that truly brings this to the forefront is when a man's lover has an affair. The pain and humiliation is sometimes accompanied by a lingering -- nagging -- thought: I bet his penis is larger than mine. Believe it or not, this sudden fear is felt by men with average to large penises. But the men who are under-endowed suffer greatly. At the core, they are most certain the lover their girlfriend or wife had taken was more endowed than they. They wonder if she initiated the affair because she needed a larger penis; they wonder if she enjoyed it much more; and if she would ever be able to come back.

Men who suffer through this often suffer physiologically. Many are unable to achieve an erection -- not only with their unfaithful lover, but even new lovers. Only in private masturbation can their penis become erect. Another manifestation is severe premature ejaculation -- lasting only one or two thrusts and sometimes ejaculating before penetration. Sometimes this is combined. I had one client whose wife had an affair with a man whose penis was twice the size of his. They reconciled their relationship, but sex was non existent. He was unable to muster more than 1/2 an erection (about 2.5 inches and less than 3 inches in circumference -- his full status was 4 inches by 3.5 inches). Even with this, his wife still pursued intercourse, but he either ejaculated in her hand as she guided him in, or once he penetrated -- before even thrusting.

He was one who never accepted his penis was small -- never wanted to think about it or confront his insecurity. It wasn't until his wife had the affair that he had to face this powerful internal fear. Part of their therapy was to accept his small penis, and to realize this was only one part of who he is as a man and lover. His wife opened up about her feelings towards him as a husband and as a lover. She also discussed in detail lovers she had previous to their relationship and did the same with her three encounters with her latest lover. While she divulged her sexual history, I had her gently caress his penis. Within thirty minutes, he was completely erect, but ejaculated almost at once. I had her continue caressing and discussing in detail her sexual history. When she was done, he was fully erect again. I told her to mount him and to move very slowly. He was able to last about five minutes.

This, of course, did not take place on their first session, but on their 9th. It took quite a while for them both to open up. But theirs is a story of comparisons -- ones many make each day. How often do you hear about a woman cheating on her husband and wonder, I bet her lover has a bigger penis than her husband!
It's a thought mostly shared by men, but a popular one nonetheless.

Length Vs. Girth

It seems many men who feel they have a small penis and are more apt to share that fact on websites and have harbor deep desires for humiliation focus mostly on length. They feel if their erect penis doesn't quite reach six inches, they are under-endowed. Length certainly plays a part in what makes a penis small, but it may not be the most significant measurement. Girth is the one key measurement many men overlook when deciding if they possess a small penis. If a man has a six inch erect penis, but has a girth of under 4 inches -- many women would consider that lover to possess a very small penis. Take a man with a 5 inch penis with a 5 inch girth, and you will get an entirely different reaction.

Most women who say size matters focus mostly on girth. It is no surprise that men who have a measured girth of under 4 inches are more apt to be extremely sensitive to this. Most of these men would be mortified by any form of humiliation; their private torture is endured each and every day. This is magnified ten fold if their penis is also below average in length. These poor men do not like lovers to see them naked and prefer as little touching of their private parts as possible. Most of the clients I have worked with who possess such penises take much, much longer to come out of their shell.

But, like all things, communication is always the key. If you have such a penis and are privately enduring this torture, you need to learn to come out of your shell. This kind of internal humiliation is not healthy. You need to first open up -- to yourself. Accept the fact that you have a small penis. So what? Many have small ears, small hands, small breasts -- they are all body parts and they are supposed to come in a variety of shapes and sizes. That's what makes us all different, and it's what makes sex so stimulating and exciting.

Once you have accepted this fact -- open up to your lover. Tell them everything you have suffered for so long. Then tell them you are ready to open a new chapter in your life, and that, with their help, you would love to learn how to enjoy sex.

The last sentence above is true -- most of these men do not enjoy sex. Their orgasm comes quick and there is always a lingering self mutilation of their psyche.

Accept it to yourself; open up to your lover; and move on with your life.

Porn and the Small Penis II

I know I had posted on this topic before, but I have received many comments (both here and via email) regarding penis size and the porn industry. There are a few websites out there who occasionally post a sex series with a man who is less than endowed. But there aren't many and those who do usually post in the context of Fem-Domme, humiliation, and cuckoldry. Those are fine fetishes and fantasies to have, but they cannot be the sole outlet for images of men who have small penises having sex. Many young men visit porn sites and feel that the men pictured represent the norm when they are anything but. Follow this with an inbox full of ads for increased penis size and you can see how an unhealthy complex can evolve. It doesn't stop there. Young women reaching out into the internet to learn about sex are bombarded with the same images and the same ads at times. This gives them a skewed perspective on the male penis.

The key is, as always, communication and openness. Women and men should openly discuss this issue.

Humiliation

Of all the men who have small penises, there are three basic types:

1. Those who are ashamed of their penis and utterly paralyzed by the thought of being called out by a lover.

2. Those who are ashamed of their penis, but are aroused by humiliation of their lack of endowment.

3. Those who are not ashamed of their penis and never will be.


Number one and three are understandable, but number two is a little odd. It is a common need and theme in online adult sites -- look at all the cuckold and submissive male sites on the Internet. There is a desire for submissiveness in some men and some women that manifests itself in different ways. There are some men, for example, who do not possess small penises, yet they desire to be humiliated for having a pathetically small penis.

Humiliation is actually more common than most know and it is something that is not damaging as long as both participants take it for what it is -- a form of role playing by consensual adults to heighten sexual pleasure. My advice to men who desire this is to be open and honest with your lover. If this is what you want, describe in detail what you would like her to do and say (and try to explain, as best you can, why). Make it part of a larger discussion about sexual desire and fantasies. Ladies, my advice to you is to listen, try to understand your lover's wants and needs and to take a chance and play along. This kind of fantasy puts you in a very dominant position in bed -- you might find you like it!

The Diversity of Small Penises

Some of the questions I'm often ask revolve around race, hand size, foot size, etc. Women and men both want to know if there is some measurable trait that men possess which directly correlates to the size of their penis.

To date, I have found no significant trait that relates to penis size. Of all my clients, about 25% are African American (only 10% are Asian). Some of the smallest penises measured in my office were on men who stood the tallest and had the biggest hands. One belonged to a 6'5" African American basketball player who had size 15 shoes -- 4 inches by 4 inches.

Of course, I have seen more than a few African Americans who possess quite average sized penises, but feel they are inadequate because of perceptions that they must be endowed due to their race.

But, overall, I have seen men in my office of all colors and sizes who had erect penises that qualify as small.

The young stud muffin above would garner looks of lust and wanting from many women of all ages were he lounging near a pool. How many would believe he had a small penis?

And honestly, how many would care?

Couples

As I wrote before, some of my clients were couples. Most times the wife felt her husband's penis was fine, but his insecurity about the issue was a true problem. Working on that confidence took many therapy sessions. It required a major change of perception on his part and a small change in perception on her part.

One couple I worked with was very typical. He felt he had a small penis and often wondered about his wife's ex-boyfriends -- sure they were all more endowed than he. His wife ignored his insecurity and tried to just comfort him with the typical talking points: "I don't think it's small" and "It doesn't matter to me."

Both were swimming against their relationship. The key was getting her to open up about sex and to objectify men as sex objects -- just for a moment -- so that she might begin to understand everything from his perspective. Her husband did have a small penis (4 inches in length and 3.75 inches in girth -- measured by his wife in my office). She was an educated woman and knew the average male erection was about 5 inches. Once she admitted to her husband that his erect penis was below average, he actually seemed a little aroused (no pun intended). Then I got her to open up about her former lovers -- focusing on their penises. I had her shape and mold my office clay to replicate -- as best she could -- the largest penis she ever had and the smallest penis she ever had. Much to her husband's surprise, her smallest lover was not him -- she had a lover whose penis was slightly thinner and an inch shorter than his. The largest penis she ever had was an average 6 inches by 4.75 inches. So her husband's penis was not that much different and she never focused on it.

His paradigm shift came a few session after that. He began to see that his penis was not focal point he thought it was. Each finally understood the perspective of the other. The last session I had them remove their clothes and talk frankly about sex, what each fantasized about, what needs they had, and what they most enjoyed about having sex with each other. The session ended with her getting up from her chair and, facing him, sitting down on his erect penis. They rhythmically moved together in quick waves, moaning and kissing until his moan morphed into a deep cry. Then they slowly stopped, still kissing. I never saw them again after that, but I did hear that they were still going strong five years later.

Small Penis Therapy

The first thing that I must do when a man comes into my office complaining of having a penis that is too small, I have to confirm that he does indeed possess a small penis. I have had men tell me their size and I have had men expose their flaccid penis in my office, but I have to get an accurate measurement while they are erect. It is a difficult thing to do for them because, as I have posted before, a man is never more vulnerable than when his erection is exposed.

Although I have worked as a sex surrogate, my profession now is strictly counseling, so touching a client's penis is strictly forbidden. Instead, I have the men pull down their pants and underwear and slowly stroke themselves until they are fully erect. I then have them measure their own penis with a fabric tape measure -- length and girth at the mid-shaft. If they are truly small, then my counseling goes in one direction. But if they are not, then my counseling focuses on the reasons why they feel they have a small penis.

One client came into my office and, like most, was extremely nervous about exposing his erection. His penis rose about half way up, then stopped. The head didn't swell or turn a different shade. But he took the tape and began to measure. I stopped him and said that he wasn't fully erect. He said that he was and so I was stumped. I know that men's erections are all different -- not only are they different sizes, but they present themselves in different ways. But my instincts told me that he had a little more to grow. Perhaps he has some mental block that prevents him from becoming fully erect? Perhaps he has some physical problem...My mind compiled all the possibilities.

Yet, he insisted he was fully erect. Without thinking, I reached out and grasped his penis. Two things happened. 1. I realized he WAS fully erect. And 2. He ejaculated the instant my hand touched his penis. In my surrogate days, this was a common occurrence and the men always reacted with a little humiliation while apologizing over and over. But this man was different. When he ejaculated, he did so with powerful thrusts and moans. His semen pulsed all the way to my blouse and I was an arm's length away. This is when I realized my hand was still grasping his penis, I never let go. He was grateful and he thanked me over and over. I felt horrible. I had broken a sacred trust by touching a client in a sexual manner. I continued to counsel him, but it was difficult because he always expected me to please him in some way. I must confess, when he came on my blouse, I tingled all over. I felt powerful -- and wet.

In the end, he became my lover. It was a passionate affair that lasted two years before we went our separate ways.

Just for the record, his erect penis measured 3 and three quarter inches in length and 3 and a half inches in girth at the mid-shaft.

Erect vs. Flaccid

There are a number of men who feel they possess a small penis when, in fact, they possess is a small flaccid penis, but an average or above average erect penis. Many men with small flaccid penises are subjected to humiliation as they undress in front of other men -- usually in a locker room environment. This humiliation can leave psychological scars that last a lifetime, regardless of how endowed they are when erect. But one thing that becomes obvious when one becomes sexually experienced is that flaccid size has very little relationship to erect size. I know that the men who have been teased by others for having a small penis have real issues and often lack sexual confidence. It takes quite a lot of therapy to alter their perception of themselves.

But the ones I am most interested in are those who have small erect penises. A man is most vulnerable when he exposes his erect penis to a lover. This is why so many (not all!) men who have small penises are submissive. Women who humiliate their lovers for having a small penis (either verbally or through infidelity) have a much greater impact on their psyche. Of course, there are a number of men who relish the idea of being humiliated by a woman for having an under-sized erection, which takes us back to my previous post: cuckoldry.

How many of you have small erections and how man have small flaccid penises, and, how many of you have both?

Cuckold

Some men who possess a small penis have cuckold fantasies, though most, in reality, only pursue this fantasy online -- never sharing their desires with their wife or lover. There are a few who actually live this lifestyle, but it is not one I recommend unless you and your lover have a strong relationship. Many relationships have dissolved because of the introduction of one or more lovers into the bedroom. It takes a special couple to successfully live the cuckold lifestyle where both achieve some measure of pleasure and still keep their love for one another alive.

I would like to put the question to you. Do any of you have cuckold fantasies? If so, why? What do you think is the root cause for this desire?

Therapy Sessions

While most the clients I worked with in Florida were men, I did counsel couples and women. I was surprised how many women would schedule an appointment with me -- about 25% of my clients. Some were there because their husband or boyfriend was overly concerned about the size of their penis and it was affecting their love life. The women really didn't care and in some cases felt their lover's penis wasn't small at all.

I also had some female clients who were concerned with the size of their lover's penis. In most cases, their desires were superficial. Just as some men feel their penis should at least be a certain size, a few women feel their lovers should measure up to an arbitrary standard. This standard is usually based on past sexual experience or the viewing of too many pornographic images. One trick I used is to compare their lover's penis with other penises (small and average). In my office, I always kept modeling clay. I would have the woman recreate her lover's penis -- focusing mostly on the length and girth and less on appearance, though some were true artists -- then I would have them compare their lover's penis with other models I had in my office. Most times, we would discover their lover's penis was quite average. There were a few small ones, but once they saw that there were other men as small or smaller, a light seemed to click. Again, their desires were superficial and once they got over the mental block that something was wrong with their lover, they were able to accept them as they were.

So, couples and women who have dealt with this issue, your comments are welcome as well.

Small Penis and Porn

One of the big problems I have with the porn industry is its insistence to perpetuate the myth that most men have large penises and that women need large penises in order to enjoy sex. How many pornographic movies have you seen where the male had a small penis? There aren't many. I think this is harmful, both to men and women. What if a young woman's only sexual knowledge comes from an adult film and her boyfriend possesses an average sized penis? How will she react? How does a young man feel if he only sees large penises loved and sought after by adult film actresses while he is moderately endowed with 5 inches? I see a myriad of problems, from depression to sexual dysfunction.

I think it would be nice if someone would make a pornographic movie with men who possess small to average sized penises.

The Trouble with Girth

Most women who feel size matters lean more toward the importance of girth over length. The average girth of an erect penis is between 4.0 inches and 4.75 inches. Girth, of course, is the circumference of the penis. Men who have a girth under 4.0 inches are thin, while those with a girth less than 3.5 inches are considered to be extremely thin. The men in this range sometimes suffer from any number of problems when having sex. First, condoms are difficult to keep on. While they are labeled as "one size fits all", this really applies to length, not girth. Second, they may not be able to feel as much as their more endowed brethren as their penis slips into the vagina making minimal contact with the vaginal walls. These are humiliating experiences. Most of the men I worked with suffered from having extremely thin penises. Many of them had sexual encounters that ended during sex itself -- either because the condom kept slipping off, or neither party was experiencing sexual pleasure. So, how do you get over this? What can you do?

If you feel you have an extremely thin penis, write me a note in the comments section and we'll begin your therapy.

Small and Fast

One problem I often help men with small penises with is premature ejaculation. Now, there are quite a few men out there who suffer from PE who do not have small penises and are quite confident in their size. There are two schools of thought here and I think it is a little of both. Number one, if you are not confident in the size of your penis, you focus too much on it during sex. Focusing all your attention on your penis - wondering if she thinks it is too small, how you think it feels in her -- makes it difficult to maintain some measure of control. Number two, a man is most vulnerable when he ejaculates -- mentally, physically, and sexually -- ejaculation is a form of submission. When a man feels he doesn't measure up, a part of him coils in submission to his female lover. He may not feel submissive because it is hidden, deep down inside.

Myself, I think it is a combination of both. As I stated in an earlier post, honesty helps immensely. If you have a small penis and you let her know and you discuss it with her, chances are you will be more at ease and perhaps a little more confident when you have intercourse. You might even notice you last much longer.

The Truth

The truth is, about 20% of women feel that penis size does matter*. Most prefer girth, some prefer length, and some prefer length and girth. Within that 20% is a group of women, like me, who prefer smaller ones. There is an even larger percentage of women -- about 70% -- who feel penis size doesn't matter at all. But how does that help you if you have a small penis?

Well, not much really. The odds are in your favor each time you expose yourself to a new lover, but they aren't great odds. If you have a small penis and you hook up with a potential size queen, there's only a couple of options for you. Number one, be honest. If your penis is considered small according to my definition, then let her know beforehand that you have a small penis. Don't be ashamed of it. Be up front and proud about it. A woman who is surprised by a small penis is likely to find some way to distance herself from you. But we are communicative creatures. If you tell us you have a small penis, you are opening up to us in a way most men can't. That will put even the most stringent size queen on the defensive. Number two, please her every way you can -- orally and manually. If you are unsure how to do that, ask her to guide you. Trust me...She'll guide you.


* Of those that believe size does matter, about 85% feel that an average penis is fine - even those at the lower end of average.

Also, of the women who feel size matters, most feel that way for superficial reasons -- the same way they want to find a man who makes more than $100,000 per year, or drives a nice car. Most of these women soon discover what real life is all about and end up quite happy not trying to live their lives to some imaginary and unrealistic checklist.

A small penis

I think I should begin this blog with a simple definition for "small penis".

Many men feel they have an inadequate penis simply because the length is short of six inches. But a short penis does not necessarily equate with a small penis. A small penis is both shorter than average and thinner than average. In fact, the few women who feel that penis size truly matters really prefer girth over everything else. So what is a small penis? Any erect penis that measures under 4.5 inches in length and under 4 inches in girth (circumference) is a small penis. The average sized penis is between 4.5 and 5.5 inches in length and 4.0 and 4.75 inches in girth. So if your penis falls within those parameters, it is considered  average.

If your penis falls below both if those parameters, then your penis is considered small. That's who I'm here for.


Kathy