Friday, February 6, 2009
As I wrote before, some of my clients were couples. Most times the wife felt her husband's penis was fine, but his insecurity about the issue was a true problem. Working on that confidence took many therapy sessions. It required a major change of perception on his part and a small change in perception on her part.
One couple I worked with was very typical. He felt he had a small penis and often wondered about his wife's ex-boyfriends -- sure they were all more endowed than he. His wife ignored his insecurity and tried to just comfort him with the typical talking points: "I don't think it's small" and "It doesn't matter to me."
Both were swimming against their relationship. The key was getting her to open up about sex and to objectify men as sex objects -- just for a moment -- so that she might begin to understand everything from his perspective. Her husband did have a small penis (4.5 inches in length and 4 inches in girth -- measured by his wife in my office). She was an educated woman and knew the average male erection was between 5 and 6 inches (not 5 and 7 which is sometimes reported). Once she admitted to her husband that his erect penis was below average, he actually seemed a little aroused (no pun intended). Then I got her to open up about her former lovers -- focusing on their penises. I had her shape and mold my office clay to replicate -- as best she could -- the largest penis she ever had and the smallest penis she ever had. Much to her husband's surprise, her smallest lover was not him -- she had a lover whose penis was slightly thinner and an inch shorter than his. The largest penis she ever had was an average 6 inches by 4.75 inches. So her husband's penis was not that much different and she never focused on it.
His paradigm shift came a few session after that. He began to see that his penis was not focal point he thought it was. Each finally understood the perspective of the other. The last session I had them remove their clothes and talk frankly about sex, what each fantasized about, what needs they had, and what they most enjoyed about having sex with each other. The session ended with her getting up from her chair and, facing him, sitting down on his erect penis. They rhythmically moved together in quick waves, moaning and kissing until his moan morphed into a deep cry. Then they slowly stopped, still kissing. I never saw them again after that, but I did hear that they were still going strong five years later.