Comparisons

It seems men are always curious about how they measure up. This is why they are more preoccupied with size than most females. But one dark side of life and relationships that truly brings this to the forefront is when a man's lover has an affair. The pain and humiliation is sometimes accompanied by a lingering -- nagging -- thought: I bet his penis is larger than mine. Believe it or not, this sudden fear is felt by men with average to large penises. But the men who are under-endowed suffer greatly. At the core, they are most certain the lover their girlfriend or wife had taken was more endowed than they. They wonder if she initiated the affair because she needed a larger penis; they wonder if she enjoyed it much more; and if she would ever be able to come back.

Men who suffer through this often suffer physiologically. Many are unable to achieve an erection -- not only with their unfaithful lover, but even new lovers. Only in private masturbation can their penis become erect. Another manifestation is severe premature ejaculation -- lasting only one or two thrusts and sometimes ejaculating before penetration. Sometimes this is combined. I had one client whose wife had an affair with a man whose penis was twice the size of his. They reconciled their relationship, but sex was non existent. He was unable to muster more than 1/2 an erection (about 2.5 inches and less than 3 inches in circumference -- his full status was 4 inches by 3.5 inches). Even with this, his wife still pursued intercourse, but he either ejaculated in her hand as she guided him in, or once he penetrated -- before even thrusting.

He was one who never accepted his penis was small -- never wanted to think about it or confront his insecurity. It wasn't until his wife had the affair that he had to face this powerful internal fear. Part of their therapy was to accept his small penis, and to realize this was only one part of who he is as a man and lover. His wife opened up about her feelings towards him as a husband and as a lover. She also discussed in detail lovers she had previous to their relationship and did the same with her three encounters with her latest lover. While she divulged her sexual history, I had her gently caress his penis. Within thirty minutes, he was completely erect, but ejaculated almost at once. I had her continue caressing and discussing in detail her sexual history. When she was done, he was fully erect again. I told her to mount him and to move very slowly. He was able to last about five minutes.

This, of course, did not take place on their first session, but on their 9th. It took quite a while for them both to open up. But theirs is a story of comparisons -- ones many make each day. How often do you hear about a woman cheating on her husband and wonder, I bet her lover has a bigger penis than her husband!
It's a thought mostly shared by men, but a popular one nonetheless.

Length Vs. Girth

It seems many men who feel they have a small penis and are more apt to share that fact on websites and have harbor deep desires for humiliation focus mostly on length. They feel if their erect penis doesn't quite reach six inches, they are under-endowed. Length certainly plays a part in what makes a penis small, but it may not be the most significant measurement. Girth is the one key measurement many men overlook when deciding if they possess a small penis. If a man has a six inch erect penis, but has a girth of under 4 inches -- many women would consider that lover to possess a very small penis. Take a man with a 5 inch penis with a 5 inch girth, and you will get an entirely different reaction.

Most women who say size matters focus mostly on girth. It is no surprise that men who have a measured girth of under 4 inches are more apt to be extremely sensitive to this. Most of these men would be mortified by any form of humiliation; their private torture is endured each and every day. This is magnified ten fold if their penis is also below average in length. These poor men do not like lovers to see them naked and prefer as little touching of their private parts as possible. Most of the clients I have worked with who possess such penises take much, much longer to come out of their shell.

But, like all things, communication is always the key. If you have such a penis and are privately enduring this torture, you need to learn to come out of your shell. This kind of internal humiliation is not healthy. You need to first open up -- to yourself. Accept the fact that you have a small penis. So what? Many have small ears, small hands, small breasts -- they are all body parts and they are supposed to come in a variety of shapes and sizes. That's what makes us all different, and it's what makes sex so stimulating and exciting.

Once you have accepted this fact -- open up to your lover. Tell them everything you have suffered for so long. Then tell them you are ready to open a new chapter in your life, and that, with their help, you would love to learn how to enjoy sex.

The last sentence above is true -- most of these men do not enjoy sex. Their orgasm comes quick and there is always a lingering self mutilation of their psyche.

Accept it to yourself; open up to your lover; and move on with your life.

Porn and the Small Penis II

I know I had posted on this topic before, but I have received many comments (both here and via email) regarding penis size and the porn industry. There are a few websites out there who occasionally post a sex series with a man who is less than endowed. But there aren't many and those who do usually post in the context of Fem-Domme, humiliation, and cuckoldry. Those are fine fetishes and fantasies to have, but they cannot be the sole outlet for images of men who have small penises having sex. Many young men visit porn sites and feel that the men pictured represent the norm when they are anything but. Follow this with an inbox full of ads for increased penis size and you can see how an unhealthy complex can evolve. It doesn't stop there. Young women reaching out into the internet to learn about sex are bombarded with the same images and the same ads at times. This gives them a skewed perspective on the male penis.

The key is, as always, communication and openness. Women and men should openly discuss this issue.

Humiliation

Of all the men who have small penises, there are three basic types:

1. Those who are ashamed of their penis and utterly paralyzed by the thought of being called out by a lover.

2. Those who are ashamed of their penis, but are aroused by humiliation of their lack of endowment.

3. Those who are not ashamed of their penis and never will be.


Number one and three are understandable, but number two is a little odd. It is a common need and theme in online adult sites -- look at all the cuckold and submissive male sites on the Internet. There is a desire for submissiveness in some men and some women that manifests itself in different ways. There are some men, for example, who do not possess small penises, yet they desire to be humiliated for having a pathetically small penis.

Humiliation is actually more common than most know and it is something that is not damaging as long as both participants take it for what it is -- a form of role playing by consensual adults to heighten sexual pleasure. My advice to men who desire this is to be open and honest with your lover. If this is what you want, describe in detail what you would like her to do and say (and try to explain, as best you can, why). Make it part of a larger discussion about sexual desire and fantasies. Ladies, my advice to you is to listen, try to understand your lover's wants and needs and to take a chance and play along. This kind of fantasy puts you in a very dominant position in bed -- you might find you like it!

The Diversity of Small Penises

Some of the questions I'm often ask revolve around race, hand size, foot size, etc. Women and men both want to know if there is some measurable trait that men possess which directly correlates to the size of their penis.

To date, I have found no significant trait that relates to penis size. Of all my clients, about 25% are African American (only 10% are Asian). Some of the smallest penises measured in my office were on men who stood the tallest and had the biggest hands. One belonged to a 6'5" African American basketball player who had size 15 shoes -- 4 inches by 4 inches.

Of course, I have seen more than a few African Americans who possess quite average sized penises, but feel they are inadequate because of perceptions that they must be endowed due to their race.

But, overall, I have seen men in my office of all colors and sizes who had erect penises that qualify as small.

The young stud muffin above would garner looks of lust and wanting from many women of all ages were he lounging near a pool. How many would believe he had a small penis?

And honestly, how many would care?

Couples

As I wrote before, some of my clients were couples. Most times the wife felt her husband's penis was fine, but his insecurity about the issue was a true problem. Working on that confidence took many therapy sessions. It required a major change of perception on his part and a small change in perception on her part.

One couple I worked with was very typical. He felt he had a small penis and often wondered about his wife's ex-boyfriends -- sure they were all more endowed than he. His wife ignored his insecurity and tried to just comfort him with the typical talking points: "I don't think it's small" and "It doesn't matter to me."

Both were swimming against their relationship. The key was getting her to open up about sex and to objectify men as sex objects -- just for a moment -- so that she might begin to understand everything from his perspective. Her husband did have a small penis (4 inches in length and 3.75 inches in girth -- measured by his wife in my office). She was an educated woman and knew the average male erection was about 5 inches. Once she admitted to her husband that his erect penis was below average, he actually seemed a little aroused (no pun intended). Then I got her to open up about her former lovers -- focusing on their penises. I had her shape and mold my office clay to replicate -- as best she could -- the largest penis she ever had and the smallest penis she ever had. Much to her husband's surprise, her smallest lover was not him -- she had a lover whose penis was slightly thinner and an inch shorter than his. The largest penis she ever had was an average 6 inches by 4.75 inches. So her husband's penis was not that much different and she never focused on it.

His paradigm shift came a few session after that. He began to see that his penis was not focal point he thought it was. Each finally understood the perspective of the other. The last session I had them remove their clothes and talk frankly about sex, what each fantasized about, what needs they had, and what they most enjoyed about having sex with each other. The session ended with her getting up from her chair and, facing him, sitting down on his erect penis. They rhythmically moved together in quick waves, moaning and kissing until his moan morphed into a deep cry. Then they slowly stopped, still kissing. I never saw them again after that, but I did hear that they were still going strong five years later.

Small Penis Therapy

The first thing that I must do when a man comes into my office complaining of having a penis that is too small, I have to confirm that he does indeed possess a small penis. I have had men tell me their size and I have had men expose their flaccid penis in my office, but I have to get an accurate measurement while they are erect. It is a difficult thing to do for them because, as I have posted before, a man is never more vulnerable than when his erection is exposed.

Although I have worked as a sex surrogate, my profession now is strictly counseling, so touching a client's penis is strictly forbidden. Instead, I have the men pull down their pants and underwear and slowly stroke themselves until they are fully erect. I then have them measure their own penis with a fabric tape measure -- length and girth at the mid-shaft. If they are truly small, then my counseling goes in one direction. But if they are not, then my counseling focuses on the reasons why they feel they have a small penis.

One client came into my office and, like most, was extremely nervous about exposing his erection. His penis rose about half way up, then stopped. The head didn't swell or turn a different shade. But he took the tape and began to measure. I stopped him and said that he wasn't fully erect. He said that he was and so I was stumped. I know that men's erections are all different -- not only are they different sizes, but they present themselves in different ways. But my instincts told me that he had a little more to grow. Perhaps he has some mental block that prevents him from becoming fully erect? Perhaps he has some physical problem...My mind compiled all the possibilities.

Yet, he insisted he was fully erect. Without thinking, I reached out and grasped his penis. Two things happened. 1. I realized he WAS fully erect. And 2. He ejaculated the instant my hand touched his penis. In my surrogate days, this was a common occurrence and the men always reacted with a little humiliation while apologizing over and over. But this man was different. When he ejaculated, he did so with powerful thrusts and moans. His semen pulsed all the way to my blouse and I was an arm's length away. This is when I realized my hand was still grasping his penis, I never let go. He was grateful and he thanked me over and over. I felt horrible. I had broken a sacred trust by touching a client in a sexual manner. I continued to counsel him, but it was difficult because he always expected me to please him in some way. I must confess, when he came on my blouse, I tingled all over. I felt powerful -- and wet.

In the end, he became my lover. It was a passionate affair that lasted two years before we went our separate ways.

Just for the record, his erect penis measured 3 and three quarter inches in length and 3 and a half inches in girth at the mid-shaft.