The Perils of Adultery

From my case files:

Infidelity by a partner is always a traumatic event in a relationship, no matter the gender or endowment of the one being cheated on. But it can be particularly crippling to one who possesses a smaller than average sized penis.

I have counseled many men and couples who struggled to move on from such an affair.


Couple X

"Mary" made an appointment to talk about an issue she had difficulty discussing with me over the phone. When she arrived, she had been crying and had to take a moment to compose herself. Eventually, she confessed that she had been having an affair with a co-worker for several months and that her husband of 12 years found out about it three weeks ago.

She said that another co-worker had alerted him to the affair. She said she loved him and wanted to stay with him and didn't know why she cheated.

I let her take a little break, then I reminded her of my specialty and asked why she came to me. She said that she believed her husband has a small penis, but never measured it. She did say it was much smaller than her lover's penis, which, according to him, was six inches.

She said her husband was devastated and can't sleep in their bedroom with her. She tried to initiate intimacy a week later, but his penis shrunk into itself. She said she continued to fondle his penis, but it wouldn't become erect. After 30 seconds of caressing it, he ejaculated while flaccid, which humiliated him further.

She eventually described how the affair began. Her co-worker was infatuated with another woman in the office who was going through a divorce. He and "Mary" had previously talked about sex and we're comfortable with the subject. He wanted to know if the other woman's soon to be ex was well endowed. She asked why he needed to know that and he replied that he had an average six inch penis and was nervous about pursuing a woman who was used to a larger penis.

So, "Mary" asked her friend, but got a vague "about average" answer. But in the meantime, Mary had been studying her desk ruler and noticed that her co-worker's penis was almost twice the size of her husband's.

She said this made her tingle with excitement. Her husband was the only lover she had ever had and the prospect of a new sensation, something bigger, excited her. She asked her co-worker to walk her to her car and she told him about the other co-worker's husband, then she confessed his penis was much larger than her husband's and it excited her. That's all it took. She said they had sex at least twice a day at work and a few times they met in a forest on weekends. She said his penis felt amazing and that she'd never felt more sexually fulfilled. He was bigger, fucked harder and lasted much longer than her husband.

She didn't experience the guilt of what she had done until she saw the pain in her husband's eyes.

When she was done recounting her encounters with her lover, I asked if she felt any sexual arousal. She admitted she did - just remembering their sex excited her. I asked if she truly did wish to save her marriage and she said yes. She ended the affair when her husband found out.

She said that her husband repeatedly asked if the man had a larger penis and, not wanting to hurt him, said no.

I told her that was the wrong thing to say. Full honesty was the only way to go forward. Plus, if his penis was half the size of a six inch penis, he KNEW his was smaller than her lover's.

She asked if there were ways to get over having a larger penis and I laughed. Of course! Women adjust to smaller penises all the time without much issue. I talked to her about using a dildo/vibrator that was no longer than her husband's penis and thinner. I also told her that she needed to give him all the details he asks for about the affair - to be truthful, especially about her feelings for him and their marriage. Then, I needed to see them both.


Part II:

"Mary" and "Mark" come into my office together.

The Perils of a Sex Blog

It's been a long time.  I really thought I could do some good with my blog (I still do), but after getting my email and phone hacked, I've had to go dark for a period of time.  But, now I have returned with a new vigor.

My email account simply exists to do business on this blog -- I haven't even been checking it for three years.  All questions must be submitted on my blog.  I will answer what I can at least once per week.

Kat

Small Penis and Erection Issues

I would say 90% of the male clients I see have had trouble getting and maintaining erections on a regular basis.  There are a number of things that can cause this and some are physical, so my first task was to eliminate the physical causes, which would leave only the emotional/psychological.  And even here there can be many underlying causes, but if a man has a smaller than average sized penis, there's a good chance I can work with him to get his cock at full attention.

One client was a young, attractive, successful businessman.  He had a number of women who pursued him, but as powerful as he was in the world, he was utterly withdrawn in the bedroom.  His erect penis measured 3.5 inches in length and just a tad over 3 inches in girth (one of the smallest I had worked with).  When he was in high school, he had been humiliated by a girlfriend and she wasted no time in spreading the rumor of his underendowment. 

This deeply affected him and ruined his adult sex life.  When he came to me he had had a series of short relationships with women. The relationships ended in the bedroom -- not because of his size, but because of his utter fear of exposing himself.  He would never let them touch it, would never take it out of his underwear until he was fully erect.  But each time, instead of growing, it shrank even more. He said it was worse than what happens when it's cold.

In my office, I measure all my male clients, but I wasn't able to that first visit.  His penis retracted beneath his pubic hair so that all that was visible were his testicles.  It took several office visits where I had to dig deeper and get him to open up about his experiences before I was able to measure his penis.  He ejaculated just as I was measuring his girth.  He said it was the first time he'd ever been brought to orgasm by another person. 

He had a lot to overcome and sometimes just expressing it -- talking about it -- can make one accept tragic experiences and finally come to know that they are in the past. 

He finally met a woman he felt he could confide in.  After telling her everything, she took on the role of nurturing lover.  He said later it took about a week before he was confident enough to achieve a full erection and have a normal sex life with the woman who would become his wife.

If you have this problem, sometimes it's best to open up and communicate with a potential lover.  She should know ahead of time that you feel you have a small penis and this sometimes prevents you from achieving an erection.  If she laughs and breaks off the contact, then she wouldn't have been accepting of you or your penis in the first place.  But if she stays and takes on therole of a nurturing, understanding lover, then all you have to do is communicate, caress and touch.

She'll do the rest.

Men with Tiny Penises and Women with Large Breasts

I have had several female clients over the years who have come to me because either their husbands or boyfriends were under endowed and they were seeking help to deal with their lover's shortcomings or to help him overcome feelings of inadequacy.  The women as a group were representative of our population: white, hispanic, asian, black, tall, short, thin, athletic, average, obese, etc.  But a majority of them had another trait that I had never picked up on until one client finally blurted out in a session: "Why are men with small penises so attracted to women with large breasts?"

I told her that I didn't think that was the case, that men with small penises are no more likely to be attracted to a woman with large breasts as they are to a flat-chested woman.  She argued that she had  four lovers with small penises and two of her friends (both D cups) had three lovers each who did not measure up.  Her more modestly endowed friends either had one such lover or none at all.

I still didn't believe her, but when I went over my female clients over the past few years in my mind, I realized there was something there.  I contacted each of them and all were willing to give me their measurements.  As it turns out, 72% of my female clients who had lovers with small penises were a D cup or larger. And of those, 84% reported having at least one more lover who possessed a small erect penis and 76% reported having two or more previous under endowed lovers.  By contrast all of the modestly endowed women who came to me seeking help were experiencing a below average erect penis for the first time.

So what does this mean?  I don't know...My study is but a small sample of what's going on out there.  I do wonder, however, if men who feel inadequate are drawn to women with large breasts because there is something innately nurturing about them?

What do you think?

By the way, if you have a question and don't want the world to see your post, my email is in my profile. I do get a lot of email so please give me a week or two to respond.

Measuring Up

A few years ago a new female client complained that her husband's erect penis was too small to satisfy her.  This is a common complaint in my office from women because it is my specialty, but hers had a unique twist.  After my initial interview with her, I began to suspect that her husband's penis was probably average.  Before her husband, she only had sex with two other men in her life.  On our second session, I gave her a block of clay and asked her to sculpt as accurately as possible the length and girth of her husband's penis and of the two penises she has previously experienced.

The sculpture of her hsuband's penis measured 7 inches inl and 5 inches in girth.

The sculpture of her first lover's penis measured 8.5 inches in length and 5.5 inches in girth and the sculpture of the lover she had before her husband measured 9.25 inches in length and over 6.5 inches in girth.

Her husbands' erect penis is actually a bit above average, but because of her limited experience, she assumed he was quite below average.

I always preach that communication is the key to resolving all issues in the bedroom and this was no different.  She had to openly and honestly discuss the issue of penis size with him and it took over a month before she finally had the talk.  He was devastated at first, but after a few weeks decided to come with her to my office for a session.  He admitted he was quite aroused when she described her former lover's organs and was open to the idea of either watching her make love to a man with a larger penis or participating.  She, however, did not want to have a penis larger than his.  She wanted his penis to satisfy her.

I gave her a routine that included kagel exercises and masturbation, with her husband's help, with small dildos.  But after a month she still hadn't noticed much of a difference.  In the end, what worked for her was to in fact take on another lover. Not a lover with a large penis, but a lover with a very small one.  Her husband was able to experience his voyeuristic fantasies while she was able to recalibrate her vagina and mind to accept her husband's penis for the above-average organ it is.  After two love making sessions with her smaller lover, her husband was able to bring her to orgasm.  She told me later that her husband felt immensely larger and had never had better sex with him.

The couple is still together and she continues to retain the services of her small lover.

One of my female clients years ago said that a small penis works better than a decade's worth of kagel exercises.

In the end, just about any man can experience what it's like to have a small penis or even a large penis.  It just depends on the experiences of your current lover. 

Quick Draw

I have had several debates with colleagues regarding penis size and chronic premature ejaculation.  Granted there are many men out there who suffer from premature ejaculation for a variety of reasons, but I am focused on those men with small erect endowments who tend to ejaculate prematurely at a higher rate than men with average to above average erect endowments.

My belief is that a man with a small cock is so focused on his cock that any other sensation is almost ignored.  All he feels is the wetness and warmth surrounding his cock -- almost everything else is blocked out.  When this happens, the sensation is greatly heightened and ejaculation culminates in a matter of seconds.

One colleague feels that ejaculation is a kind of surrender or submission.  She feels that men with small cocks who suffer from chronic PE feel submissive when they have exposed their erections to a woman -- even one they trust and love -- and that ejacualtion is but an unconscious reaction of that submission.

I don't know...The men I've worked with have stated over and over that they think of nothing but their small cocks once they are erect in front of a lover.  Could they be unconsciouly submitting to their lovers? I don't know...

Of course, not all men who suffer from chronic PE have small penises.  And there are many men with average or larger cocks who suffer from PE, but even those who are average and above average can lose control if they focus only on their cocks.

For those men who feel they suffer because they have a small cock, they are already focusing too much on their cock.  It takes time and patience to learn how to enjoy every aspect of sex.  Again, it all boils down to open and honest communication.  If you suffer from PE and are constantly thinking about the size of your cock, tell your lover!  That simple act might open a dialogue that will lead to better understanding and better sex for both of you.

My advice for all lovers:

Ask direct questions; give explicit answers; share dark fantasies; tell your lover what you imagined the last time you masturbated; and take turns telling each other exactly what you want your lover to do

The Woman's Perspective

I have received a lot of emails from women who find themselves on a particular side of the penis size issue.  They are tired of hearing their lovers continually ask if their erect cock is too small for them.

This is a delicate issue because some of these men are genuinely concerned and worried that they are indeed too small.  But, as I have written before, honesty is always the best policy.  Most of the women who have written me said they dismissed their worries with a quick, "It's not small!" or "size doesn't matter!".  These responses are not likely to have the desired effect and will more likely lead to more worry and more questions.

There are also men who WANT to be told they have a small penis, whether they do or not.  This should be treated as any other fantasy/fetish in the bedroom between two honest and consenting adults.  My advice is, tell him what he wants to hear, but make sure that he plays along with any of your fantasies the next time.

But to those who are overly concerned...Here is what I would do:

Take your lover to the bedroom and ask him to remove all of his clothes while you do the same.  Then  ask him to lay on his back while you lie next to him and gently stroke his penis.  Don't talk to him and just shush him if he begins to talk.  Once he is fully erect, ask him if he thinks he has a below average penis.  What ever he says, tell him that the average erect penis is about 4.5 to 5.5 inches in length and about 4.0 to 4.75 inches in girth (objective part).  Then tell him what you think of his penis -- be honest!  (subjective part)  

Take out a fabric tape measure (which is made of cloth and not metal!) and measure his length and then his girth.  If he is average to above average in both categories, you can tell him so.  If he is below average in one category or both, you need to have an honest and deep discussion about his penis.  Start by examining it, note every vein, mole, wrinkle, etc.  You need to totally focus on his penis with your hands and words.  Tell him he has a beautiful penis, one worthy of your full attention.

If your lover asks about other lovers and their cocks, be honest.  If you try to shelter them from humiliation, they'll sense it, which is more humiliating than the truth.

This is something you will have to do at least four times a week for a few months.  They are obsessed with the size of their penis.  You need to share in that obsession for a while, too.